May 17, 2017

Sitting in one of my favorite places in the world and thinking about life. Though it's hard to do with the racket happening outside. 

Of course, on the day I choose to return to the Rothko Chapel, after over 10 years have passed, there is maintenance happening on the entry way. It feels like a metaphor for my life: Project under construction. Ain't that the truth?!

Later...

So I left. And now that I've returned, I'm alone. Cool, quiet, peaceful, alone. In the moment. Something I struggle with. Always have. Always will.

Perhaps this is another metaphor? Have patience and it will all work out. Ahh, patience. Yet another thing I struggle with.

I see a pattern here. Struggle. Why am I constantly struggling?

I can blame my job. I can blame my environment. I can blame the consequences of my life. I can blame the universe. But the only one to really blame is myself.

I alone control my self.

I have the power to be happy... to be calm... to be free. 

It's about time I recognize that.

Then, as I practiced the power of positive thought, the external images around me blended together and began to animate. And internally, a clear picture came to mind. A picture of a life where I felt appreciated, supported and loved. 

As tears streamed down my face, I knew for the first time in a long time that it would all be alright. 

Then someone coughed.

I almost laughed out loud because it took so long to get to this place. And it was gone in a moment. A moment that was beyond my control.

But it was real. It happened and I was there. In the moment.

A moment I promise I will not soon forget. 

April 1, 2017

So now we know; it takes about five months to release the negative energy.

Of course, there's still a lot of work to be done but that's an important step and I'm glad I've crossed the threshold.

5 Month Check in

Winston Churchill said it best. "Never, never, never give up."

I can't believe it's been five months since I left everything behind. Well, not exactly everything. Though it does feel as if I shed my skin, to say the least.

These past 100+ days have been filled with a range of emotions: Anxiety, hope, fear, anger, joy, irritation, excitement...

But never regret.

I made the decision to move out of the life I was living. But I have yet to really move on.

It takes a lot to truly change the course of your life and accept the fact that there's nothing you HAVE to do. Except be happy, of course.

But happiness is hard to achieve when you are drowning in an idea of what you SHOULD be doing with your life. Instead of what you WANT to be doing with your life.

Not to mention the fact that you've been so focused on going through the motions, that you have no idea what you actually want in life.

That most likely gets easier once you get over your BS already. But that BS has become reality. And letting it go isn't so easy.

I've spent a lot of time with Jen Sincero (as well as Willie Nelson, the Avett Brothers, Netflix and my very dear friend Pinot Noir). She has been the most helpful in bringing a certain amount of clarity to my life (not that those other players haven't had their moments). And while I'm not yet a badass, I'm on my way. 

Here is what I have learned so far:

1 - I wasn't happy before (so while I have fear and doubts, they will never outweigh the sadness of the past).

2 - I am attached to my stories (you know, the statements that start with, I always, I never, I can't).

3 - I am my own worst enemy.

4 - Perception has become my reality.

5 - I need to love myself more. 

That last one seems like it should be easy to fix. But, damn, it is not. And there is only one person to blame. Hence the fact that I am my own worst enemy.

You tell me I'm good at social media. I say, "But I don't have certifications or any formal training."

You say, "You have Emmys." I say, "But that doesn't translate and really doesn't mean anything."

You say, "You have so much experience." I say, "But it's not at an agency and no one will hire me without agency experience." 

You tell me I'm hip, have great style, am the life of the party, can make friends anywhere I go... I tell you, "I'm fat and old."

Seriously, I am my enemy. And I really need to slay that bitch.  

And that takes us to where I am today. I admitted I had a problem, I did something about it, I recognize that a higher power gives me strength. However, I still need to give my bad habits the heave ho, look to the future, not the past and, most importantly, love myself. Once I can get on board with all that, I'm confident the life I deserve will present itself. 

And I do deserve it.

February 22, 2017

I want to enjoy not working.

I should enjoy not working.

But I feel guilty all the time.

And I keep looking back instead of ahead.

Obviously, that is not helpful.

At.

All.

February 15, 2017

Ladies and gentleman, we have made it to the bumpy part of the ride.

I am filled with negativity.

I'm angry at everything. Everyone.

I feel completely alone. Isolated. Useless.

So, instead of dwelling on those emotions, I spent the day at this dwelling, in search of enlightenment.

Day 30

Day 30
December 3

Miles: .51
Steps: 1,222

I have nothing of value to say today, so I will simply give you this sweet picture of my cousin, Vinnie.

Day 29

Day 29
December 2

Miles: 1.6
Steps: 3,824

Tonight I was overcome with warmth and bliss, celebrating my birthday with the friends that have been my family over the past decade. No matter where I roam, these people represent home. And it so good to be back.